Passion

In doing any kind of job or even a small task, when heart is not in it, its quite impossible to achieve a satisfactory result. Even when the task is accomplished, and satisfactory to the pertinent person, there is a gape in your heart. As if someone or something had opened it up to peer inside it, to look for vestige of the "want-to-do-it", couldn't find it, leave and left it open in frustration.

How can I foster passion for the work that I am doing?

Beautiful Saarland, Scary PhD

I haven't had time to write anything. I've been really occupied. Tonight is not that different. Busy marking examination papers. 120 students, 4 questions each...*sigh* Decided to take a break. I am sick to my stomach doing this s**t. Actually I feel there's something stuck between my throat and my heart, gas, I think. I keep burping.

I have to finish with the marking and key in the marks ASAP. I need to work on my PhD proposal. My supervisor has been calling, asking about it. (Yes, calling from Saarland, seems its cheaper to call from there to Mesia). Well, luckily I have a very understanding supervisor.

Great guy, my supervisor, very young too. I was told he is the second youngest supervisor in Germany. Kewl huh? Really nice guy. Good-looking too :D. Met up with him several times, while he was here. Then, early Oct when I went there for a study visit. Actually, its to work on a future collaboration, between universities. My colleagues are very keen on it, except for the Mr. Big D. Tell you abt it later. Long...........story.......

Saarland is really beautiful. I couldn't really describe it, in my current state of mind, but the scenery is breath-taking. There's a sense of tranquility when I see how they still preserve the surrounding forests. Compared to Mesia, everywhere you look, forests are being cleared to make way for new houses, or new business building which in the end will be unoccupied. Sometimes, when you look up and a beautiful hill looms infront of you, but as you come towards it, you can see half of the hill is cleared or about to. Its really devastating.

Walking around Saarland actually reminds me of time in Wye, UK. Wonderful memories there.

I had the chance to meet with the people I'll work with for my PhD. They are certainly intimidating.... one guy is a mathematician with two masters, two more guys, has worked in the industry for a long time and are REALLY smart, well, thats half of the team. Just typing abt them makes me nervous. The project that I'll be doing is still considered a new topic. Not many publications are available. (Biting my nails......). I am not sure how I'm suppose to get this done. But as my goodfren said, no matter what, tough or not, you still have to do it sooner or later, so don't think about how "impossible" it is, just do it. Yerps...... I agree with you dude.... "JUST DO IT".

Hey, I better continue with my work...
Till next time..... pray for me.

Crazy Frog

Get the CD!

Fever, Love

FEVER

After watching the first episode of Malaysian Idol, I went to bed. In the middle of the night I woke up, feeling as if my body was on fire and I was sweating profusely. I knew then, I had catch the FEVER.

The last time I ever had the fever was my first year in UTM. I think I drank Ribena, the blackcurrant juice fortified with abundance of Vit. C, not long after, I felt feverish, went to bed, stayed there for 8 hours or so, woke up feeling better.

This time I knew I was going down for a long time. Had the sore throat first, then came that eventful night. My housemate got it from our office colleague, and I got it from her, by sharing a bowl of sweet, fiery and diabolical virus medium tom yam.

That night, while I was sweating like a wet sea sponge, I felt hungry. As I chow down last night's leftover I realized, no matter I how dreadful I feel, my appetite is not diminished :D.

The next morning, I woke up early and drove to the clinic. When my turn came, I sat down on the chair set next to the doctor and told him my fever life story. At the back room, some medical assisstants and nurses were laughing and gigling. One of MA came to the room and called the doctor. From the expression on his face, he was letting the doctor in on the joke. I was furious as hell!! Here I was sick like a dog and had to wait on the doctor and his "buddies" telling him a joke. I could have explode with anger and push over his desk. Yelled out at him for having breaking his Hipporactic (right spelling?) oath. But then, I WAS sick as a dog. So, I waited for him to come back, obediently--like a dog.

Later that morning I drove back to my loving and nuturing arm's of my mother. A long one hour drive, but worth it.


LOVE
Watching how my housemate's husband rushed from JB to Melaka, to be beside his sick wife and nurture her health back, was very heart-rending.

I guess, no matter how far, or what the odds, love do prevail in the end.

Of Nephews and Nieces

I just received good news. This morning (9.30 am) my sister-in-law delivered a baby boy. Has the nose of his mother told my brother. Can't wait to see the little chap. Must be as cute as his older sister, Qisti. Qisti is one year old. Already walking, running and learning to swim. Extremely extremely cute.

Just decided to proceed with my earlier plans, to take friday and saturday off.

Stupid Stupid Manboy

I don't know why he is still considered a close friend?! When he can be so :
(a) impatient
(b) inconsiderate
(c) immature
(d) self-centered
(e) chaunivist
(f) macho-ego
(g) and some other things I can't remember now.

Something happened over the last weekend. We had a misunderstanding over a question I pose to him. It was a very innocent, general-knowledge based question. Nothing more. And he started to accuse me of questioning his "life principles"! Oh give me a break! Using big words I doubt he can even come close to understanding them.

The quarrel took place the night before I had to take a long drive the next morning, I terribly needed my sleep.

As soon as the quarrel was over, the early morning rays of the sun seeps through the curtains. @#!$%

Obviously, through the long drive, now and then my eyes started to blink rapidly, slowly and suddenly, I almost veered into an incoming vehicle.

Posting a blog on this day, tells you that God had saved my life.

As a close friend I would think that he would at least drop the subject for now and continue later. He knew I had to work and take that long drive. But he just didn't care.

Its an enigma this friendship of ours. I told another buddy about this. She told not to break of the friendship. I'm the only friend the bloke has. Yeah, right! I guess it must be true. Never heard him talking about other people besides his colleagues. But then again, he's such a sap. He sucks the life out of me sometimes.

!@#$%

Empty

I have a pile of work on my desk. All of them need to be completed with this month. Well, this week actually. There are two proposal I need to work on, emails to be sent to certain parties, papers to read, circuits to build, books and components to order and lecture notes to prepare.

"Can't........uh uh.... bring... myself to.... do it.... arghhh....."

The Man or The Woman

To marry him would mean; to follow him back to his hometown, find a new job, adapt to new surroundings, find new friends AND leaving my mother.

I cannot say that I am a good daughter. Its not like I help around the house much, eventhough I know my mother is not physically able. She loves gardening so much (as like most senior folks are). She'll take the hedge-cutter and start chomping off the hedges or the mango branches that starts to grow "out of place". Or the bougainvillaea branches. My, those branches are so hard..... I don't know how my mother manage to chop them off. But then, all of her friends do call her the "Iron Lady". She is not as strong, she is not as well either. Most of the time, she acts, pretends like she is.

I love my mother. What is there not to love? She took care of all her children, makes sure we go to the best schools, best universities, give us pocket money eventhough she is may have little for herself. She makes sure we had a roof over our head. Very comfortable, mind you. Clothes on our back, new ones too. Where did she get the money you ask? She worked long hours, really long hours. She took on extra tasks and she would be working until 1-2 am in the morning, alone at the office.

When we didn't like the schools we went to, or if it was too far. She'd be going to town now and again, to all the necessary government offices, meet the respectives officers so we could move to a better and a nearer school. When we were at boarding schools, she never misses to visit us EVERY weekend. No matter how far our schools were. She even visits us when we were undergraduates. I remember, one time, she was driving back home, alone, from my campus, she met with an accident. She was tired and sleepy. She hit a lamp post. Another time, she helped me move to a new place, driving home, the van's tire burst.

All the things she's been through to take care all of us....

Now it's my turn to take care of my mother.

Do I leave the woman for the man I've known for two years, or do I leave the man for the woman who carried my world for more than 20 years?

An Instrument of Expression

When ideas starts to accumulate, when feelings starts to swivel and swirl there's no better place but to put them all in writing. What better place than in a diary. Giving room to your already crammed mind (and heart). But, you want everybody to know. Know what you are thinking, feeling and experiencing!! Hey world! Hey everybody! This is what I am feeling today, this is what's happening to me, and this is what I'm thinking. Then again, aren't your thoughts a secret? If everybody knows what you are feeling, won't you be vulnerable?

I guess, a blog fulfills the need to express yourself in a diary, where your secrets are safely guarded but at the same time, letting the world know (if a stranger happens to stumbles into this blog, that could count as letting the everybody know. He/she could be considered as a representative of the world, right). A way that seems like you are shouting and yet, its not.

"A: life is hard
B: yeah, compared to what? "

And so the journey begins........